The Kobolds of Panzoasia

Panzoasian Kobolds are (in)famous for their bizarre machines, which are typically made of re-purposed items stolen from other species, and constructed to function in as improbable and indirect a manner as possible. They particularity love chain-reaction type contraptions. Kobolds never do anything themselves if they can build a machine to do instead – however inefficiently. In Kobold eyes, however, the highest use of a machine is the infliction of pain and suffering on larger humanoids. Naturally, they excel in the construction of incomprehensibly elaborate deathtraps, baroque torture devices, and outlandish war-engines. As often as not, however, the machines strewn throughout Kobold tunnels don’t seem to serve any actual purposes.

Appearance and Costume

A typical Kobold stands just under 3 feet tall, and has a whiskered canine face, reptilian brow, rodent-like teeth, lizard-like eyes, and reddish-brown skin that is both scaly, and sparsely studded with long bristles. Atop a Kobold’s head is a pair of segmented growths. On Kobolds that live close to the surface, these growths look exactly like small, sharp horns – but on deeper dwelling Kobolds the growths are actual, ant-like antennae. A Panzoasian Kobold’s forearms have several spines running along the ulnar edge, and their nimble hands are clawed. Their legs are canine, but hairless. Their two-toed feet resemble those of giant ants. A Kobold’s long tail resembles that of a rat. Kobolds have no external genitalia or secondary sexual characteristics (mating like birds by means of a cloaca), and it is impossible for non-Kobolds to distinguish males from females.

Kobolds do not always wear clothing. When they do they actually prefer donning mismatched and re-purposed items in clashing colors. Matching, symmetrical outfits of the kind a Human would consider beautiful actually look outlandish and ugly to Kobold eyes. Kobolds don’t re-purpose objects because they are unable to make things for themselves, but rather to show how clever and resourceful they are.

Kobold Culture and Society

Of all the Bogeyman races, Kobolds have the most obvious senses of humor. Unfortunately, most of their humor ultimately involves the infliction of pain or distress on some other intelligent species. One could easily be amused by the apparently madcap antics of Kobolds – right up the point where a swarm of them starts stabbing, slashing, and biting. If one wasn’t locked into a Kobold skinning machine, one might be amazed at its whimsical design.

Kobolds lay eggs, and only certain Kobolds, selected from birth, are ever allowed to reproduce. These “Breeders” actually do nothing else but mate. The bodies of recently hatched Kobolds resemble bloated, scaly maggots, their limbs lengthening every year until they reach full maturity at the the age of ten. The maturing young are raised communally – if somewhat haphazardly. In fact, Kobolds have no regard for their offspring at all, and those who have raided Kobold tunnels report whelps actually being used as projectile weapons. Sometimes, Kobolds even eat their young.

The largest Breeder in a Kobold community is its Queen, a bloated creature who almost never leaves her guarded chamber.

Kobolds always consume their own dead. Besides humanoid flesh, Kobolds primarily eat insects, fungi and cave slime (which they love to lick directly from the rocks). Gnome noses are considered a delicacy. The widely feared Green Slime is a harmless snack for Kobolds – so their lairs are often filled with it. Sugar is an intoxicant for Kobolds, and they will go to fantastic lengths to obtain honey and candy. The most prized possession of a Kobold Queen is often her enormous store of surface-made sweets.

Kobolds are the best miners of any species – superior even to Dwarves and Gnomes. Unlike Dwarves and Gnomes, however, they have no interest in symmetrical, even structures – preferring winding tunnels that may look haphazardly excavated, but have actually been deliberately constructed for stability and defensibility.

Kobolds at War

Kobolds love to make helmets out of leather boots captured in raids on Human settlements, and will often wear pieces of giant insects as armor. A typical Kobold Shield is made from a giant beetle carapace – or the lid of a stolen cooking pot. Likewise, their weapons are often made of re-purposed items. Like Gnomes, Kobolds often employ the repeating crossbow, often tipping their bolts with various poisons.

Animals and Allies of the Kobolds

Kobolds have domesticated rats of every size and variety – using them as food, mounts, beasts of burden, and to power various machines. The Kobolds’ pheromones allow them to to communicate with giant ants, and the two species often dwell symbiotically.

Among the other Bogeymen, Kobolds are simultaneously disliked for their strange senses of humor, and sought out for their engineering skills. It is common for the traps in lairs of Orcs, Hobgoblins, and other Bogeymen to be of Kobold design. For reasons known only to themselves, the Kobolds will often deliberately build such traps in such a way that they can be disarmed by sufficiently clever adventures who can solve a nearby riddle or puzzle.

Dragons despise Kobolds. In return, Kobolds are known to spread the insulting joke that their species arose on account of Dragons secretively mating with dogs.

The Kobold Language

Kobolds communicate by a combination of spoken language and emitted pheromones. To Human ears, their language sounds like a mixture of small dogs barking, rats chittering, and mocking laughter of children. Their various pheromones result in the strange “Kobold smell” that vaguely resembles rotten eggs, musk, and spoiled coconut. Because of its olfactory component, it is impossible for most other races to communicate well in the Kobold “language” without magical aid – the best that can be achieved is a kind of crude pidgin. The actual “name” that Kobolds use for their own species, for example, is a squeaky sound that is most closely rendered as “Yamakaba”, accompanied by a scent similar to overripe fruit. Oddly, Kobold is written with the same letters used to write Western Gnomish (albeit with the addition of pheromones smeared on the inscription). How such a strange fact came to be is a source of constant debate among Gnomish sages.

Alignment and Religion

Being sent on a mission to the Kobolds is considered among the worst assignments in the Antichurch of Darkness. Kobold tunnels are completely inhospitable even to the most depraved Humans, and the impious little monsters barely pay attention during Black Masses – when they bother to attend. Kobolds do their required service at the Bogey Mounds, but only for the chance to play cruel tricks on adventurers – and other Bogeymen.

Before they turned to Evil, most Kobolds were apparently Neutral in Alignment. Deep in the Wasteland there are said to be ancient, abandoned Kobold tunnels filled with wonders, testimony to the greatness of which Kobolds were once capable.

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Elements of a Kobold Machine

d100, 2d4 times	This Kobold machine incorporates…
1 – 8	a normal rat in a wheel.
9 – 15	a giant rat in a wheel.
16 – 21	absurdly complicated gearwork.
22 – 27	springs (one of which pops out of the machine).
28 – 29	scissors and string.
30 – 31	2d12 coins falling onto a plate.
32 – 33	in intricate series of ropes and pulleys.
34 – 35	a heavy weight falling onto a raised lever.
36 – 37	a glass tube being filled with water.
38 – 39	a hammer striking a target.
40 – 41	small balls moving downhill through a labyrinthine track.
42 – 43	a vent that emits a puff of smoke.
44 – 45	a crossbow.
46 – 47	a candle.
48 – 49	an inflatable bladder.
50 – 51	a bellows.
52 – 53	a wheel of shoes.
54 – 55	a seesaw.
56 – 57	a scales.
58 – 59	a helmet.
60 – 61	a bat in a cage.
62 – 63	pipes.
64 – 65	a small ball traveling along a track.
66 – 67	a pendulum.
68 – 69	weights on chains.
70 – 71	a roller bed.
72 – 73	the broken hand of a statue.
74 – 75	an actual gemstone. (value d6 x d100 gp).
76 – 77	a dinner plate.
78 – 79	a fork.
80 – 81	a spoon.
82 – 83	a ladle.
84 – 85	metal pipes.
86 – 87	leaky metal pipes.
88 – 89	leather hoses.
90 – 91	hoses made from intestines.
92 – 93	a skull.
94 – 95	bones.
96 – 95	small marbles falling onto a pan.
97 – 98	an hourglass.
99 – 100	an old boot filled with sand.

A Gnomish Tinkerer can make an Intelligence Check to discern the intended function (if any) of a Kobold Machine.